what’s this feeling?

it’s 5:06 PM. The day’s over. The week’s over. I’ve done so little this week. I feel like I can’t breathe. What am I so afraid of? Afraid that it’s all going to come crushing down, maybe.

I go through this, ever since Clarissa.

I dreamed about her last night.

Us being together, or something like it.

Life’s weird.

and I hate that name.

maybe the anxiety comes because i feel like i have so much to do. cos i feel like my lies of not working enough will be found out. i’ll get fired.

we won’t survive

but i know that’s not true

so what is it

why do i feel so anxious?

deficiency? haven’t eaten enough?

feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things to take care of?

feeling exhausted? i’unno.

maybe it’s the fear of knowing you’re not living the life you’re supposed to.

i’m letting myself look at her instagram picture, through my blocked list

while my wife’s away.

i don’t even know why i want to? it’s like this weird thrill. maybe this is why people watch horror movies.

but man, it almost makes me gag with how much pure terror it imbues me with

i think it’s just the trauma, and the pain that hit all those decades ago.